Love Sick in The Head.

My name is Timothy Bridle and this my story.
I’d posted three lonely hearts ads in the local newspaper already and no one had replied. I was beginning to think that maybe I was going to be alone forever, I just wanted someone to talk to or maybe too even cuddle upto at night.
Then that day finally came when someone replied to my ad. She was called Jean Davidson and we had the same interests, we wanted the same things in life.. which was to find a life partner, we both liked the same music..which was old time Jazz. We had both been single for a while, well, she had because I had never had the courage to ask someone for a date before so I was a virgin in every meaning of the word.
We had, had a few dates together and we had got on fantastically well but she would never invite me back to her house, we couldn’t go back to my house because my mother would have never have approved of me bringing another woman into the house.

I had asked her a few times as to why she would never invite me back ..Then finally, like it was something she should be ashamed of, she told me about her mother who lived with her and that she was bed ridden and had basically come home to die.

When she eventually invited me back to her house, after a night at the theatre, it was then that I first laid eyes on her mother, Maria. I tried to fight all those feelings, that I could only describe as overwhelming, that flooded my every being. I had to make my excuses to see her again.
I loved her, Jean, but for me it was more of a platonic kind of love. It was really her mother, Maria, that I had fallen in love with. I knew that she was close to death when we met but when I saw that photo of her, on her bedside cabinet on her wedding day with Jeans father, God rest his soul, she looked like a beauty queen in her white dress…my heart almost skipped a beat and I felt a feeling that I had never felt before. Even though the picture was taken almost 70 years ago..she was 19 at the time.. to me, she still looked as beautiful as she did in the photo. I made my excuses to be with her, Jeans mum that is, even playing on Jeans emotions just so I could see Maria. When Jean would leave her mums room I knew it was fate that had played its part in us being brought together…at last, I had found my true love and no one was going to stop me being with her… it could have been perfect.
It didn’t matter that Maria no longer looked like she once did because I could still see her radiating beauty. She was like an angel sent from above and God had rewarded me for some unknown reason. I would sit and hold her hand and stroke her hair. She would look at me with those once beautiful eyes that now had a misty, dull look to them, but that didn’t bother me..to me she was still gorgeous, and that’s all it took for her to steal my heart..then Jean would walk back into the room and disturb our time together, but those few single moments we shared filled me with such happiness.

The first time I kissed her, which was when Jean left me alone to look after Maria when she had to go out to the chemist for her mothers medicine, I could feel something awaken inside me.

 

I knew then that I truly loved Maria. My every waking thought was now focused on her, Jean was now just an excuse..hell, she was even a hinderance sometimes but I was willing to accept that to get what I wanted..that makes me sound bad but I’m not a bad person, I needed to be with the person I loved. The first time we made love together, which was made slightly awkward because of all the medical tubes that were in the way from her drip stand and such, was a moment I’ll never forget, she was everything I had imagined and more. She just laid there and accepted that our love for each other had now been confirmed by our consummation..She never protested, not once, and now we had a bond that could never be broken by anyone, including Jean!
I made more and more excuses to see Maria and I was running out of reasons to do so. Every day Maria would get weaker and weaker because of her illness but everyday my love for her grew. Jean was becoming an annoyance..almost the gooseberry in our blossoming releationship, she would watch my every move around Maria, almost like she was getting suspicious of my reason to be with her. She had no idea of the feelings we held for each other. I would take any given opportunity to kiss Maria, she didn’t ask me to kiss her but I could sense that that was what she wanted me to do..Maria never spoke once during our time together, she was like that you see..the strong silent type.

I should have never had to have hidden my feelings for Maria, you can’t decide or control who you are going to fall in love with..you can’t change destiny and I was destined to be with her.

As much as I felt for Jean she was getting in the way and I needed her to leave us alone…and then the day came when she became aware of our relationship. It happened when I went to visit Maria, I had managed to gain the trust of Jean to the point where I even had my own door key to her house, I let myself in knowing full well that Jean wasn’t there. I went to Maria’s room and stood in the doorway and looked at my beauty queen, for the first time that she looked so peaceful and content. I walked over to her bed, leant over her and kissed her on the lips but this time it felt different, then I took hold of her hand and she was cold, I tried to wake her but she just laid there, lifeless. I just sat beside Maria on her bed and knew she had passed away but I still saw the beauty in her and she was always going to be in my heart.

Death never bothered me, I can see beauty in death.

I’ve felt this way since I was twelve years old and I saw my sister when she passed away after a short illness. It wasn’t a sexual feeling towards her but something ‘stirred’ inside me..a bit like when you go on your first fairground ride and your stomach gets into a nervous excited knot, thats how I felt when I saw Maria only this time it was multiplied by a thousand  
Jean had come in to the house and made her way upstairs, she was standing near the bedroom door and had seen me kissing Maria, I also had my hand beneath the covers. With my other hand I took hold of her hand and was talking to her about how much I still loved her. Jean stood there with a look of total and utter disgust, thats when I had to deliver that deathly blow to the side of Jeans head with a heavy candlestick holder that was on top of a chest of drawers, in case she told anyone of my love for her mother or worse still in case she got jealous of our love for each other…I couldn’t find the time to show Jean anymore attention because Maria took up all my spare time.

Jean collapsed to the floor hitting the other side of her head on the edge of the chest of drawers

I panicked a little, she had rather a deep cut where she had hit her head, I checked to see if Jean was still breathing..I’d killed her.

It almost felt like a relief that she was out of the way, it was the perfect scenario, there was no one around anymore to get in the way of me and Maria. I walked over to Maria and took hold of her hand and gently stroked her face. I felt uneasy knowing that Jean, as lifeless as she was, was laid staring at us so I placed one of Marias pillows over Jeans face. I laid down beside Maria and took her in my arms and gently squeezed her and as I did she exhaled the last breath from her body..it felt so good to have her in my arms, she was still warm and this was the perfect opportunity to make love to my beauty queen. I removed everything that had gotten in way last we made love, the tubes, wires and any other obstacles that got in our way. I removed her nightdress and saw her bony, wrinkled body..but that never bothered me in the slightest, it just added to her beauty. I made love to Maria slowly and gently, the last thing I wanted to was to harm her frail, old body.

It was the best experience of my life, even though Maria was dead, it felt so right.. like I had been searching for the right woman to fill my boring lonely life and there she was, laid in front of me and she was mine forever and no one, especially Jean, could seperate us. After we had made love I laid with Maria and I fell asleep, when I woke up it was dark outside. Marias body by this time had become rigid. I got out of bed, got dressed and gave Maria a kiss on the lips. Jean was still laid there, well, she would be considering she was dead. I had to move her body from Marias room, we didn’t want her there we wanted to spend our time together alone, two’s company and three is an inconvenience.

I wrapped her in a bed sheet, dragged her to the top of the stairs and pushed her body down, I then dragged her to the entrance of the basement, opened the door and threw her in.. it sounded like she hit every step on the way down… at least she was out of the way.

I went to the kitchen to wash my hands and made myself a coffee. I also counted out the pills that Maria had to take every day.. twelve in all, I still took them to her because I felt that even though she was no longer physically able to take them, I didn’t want to feel as though I was neglecting my duty of care towards her.
A couple of days had passed and I was still sleeping with Maria..we were like a proper couple, the only time I left her alone was when I had to use the bathroom or I needed to eat and drink.

We made love several times after that, on some occasions it was difficult to have intercourse but we always managed in the end.

After several days of being laid in her bed Marias body started to have a green tinge to it, then it turned purple like she had had a fall and bruised herself and then eventually her skin turned black.

The smell was horrendous but I could forgive that..for one last time I just wanted to make love to Maria, even though she was beginning to leak bodily fluid everywhere and the mattress was like a wet sponge, I knew that it was no longer possible. I had almost become used to the smell of her rotting body, some days I didnt even notice it.
Then the day came when the police knocked on the door asking if I had seen Jean because no one had heard from her and she hadn’t turned up for work, as soon as I opened the door one of the policemen nearly threw up. I ran upstairs to say my last goodbye to Maria and I managed to plant one last kiss on her lips before I was wrestled to the ground by one of the policemen.

That was the end of my relationship with my beautiful Maria, I no longer cared about Jean, it was Maria who I loved.
I now spend my time alone in my room, with just my thoughts and memories. The staff are very nice in the hospital but no one ever comes to visit me apart from Maria in my dreams at night.

Memories are the one thing no one can take away from me.
Copyright © Howard Carlyle. All rights reserved

 
 

The Closing of The Lid.

​I’d finally plucked up the courage to ask her to dinner. At last, I would be wining and dining with the woman that I’d dreamt about being with for so long. Everything would be perfect. I had invited her round to my house, we would start off with a nice bottle red wine and eat a meal that I’d lovingly prepared and then the night would be finished off with a kiss on the lips and the closing of the lid..everything would be perfect.
7.30pm and the door bell rang, Annabelle stood at the door looking beautiful in her red dress. I invited her in and poured her a drink, it was only a small glass just in case she didn’t like my choice of wine..thankfully it was to her liking. We chatted for while about work and things like that, you know..just small talk.

8.30pm and dinner was ready to be served, I told her that I had prepared a dish containing pork, she ate it all..I never mentioned that it was in fact the neighbours dog.

9.30pm and we had started on the second bottle of wine, only this time she had one little added extra to hers..the host has to do his best to put his guest at ease.

10.15pm and Annabelle looked a little worse for wear, that added extra was worth the wait, she slumped in the chair barely conscious..my my, I think that wine has gone straight to her head.

10.40pm and she looked so peaceful sleeping in the chair. I took off my best suit and changed in to the clothes that I had been wearing earlier when I had been lining my grandfathers old wooden chest with with some plastic sheeting. I gently stroked Annabelles face then I finally had my first kiss with her..I had waited so long to kiss her and it felt wonderful. I walked into the kitchen and fetched the hammer and chisel that I had placed there earlier and went back to where Annabelle was sleeping. I laid her out on the floor, parted her hair on the back of her head and hammered the chisel into the back of her head, how could I do it anywhere else, that would just spoil her beauty…not once did she protest, she’s very thoughtful like that, that’s what attracted me to her.

11.15pm and we had made love for the first time and it felt so special..she was my first and she will be my only. Our bond of love can now never be broken. I picked up her body and walked over to my grandfathers old chest and placed Annabelle into it, this was now where she would always stay. I was the happiest man alive and I finally had the woman of my dreams that no one could ever take away from me, I said goodnight to her, kissed her on the forehead and closed the lid.

Until next time my love… Sleep tight.

Copyright (C) Howard Carlyle 2017. All rights reserved

Feeling The Fear

​I always wanted to know what fear felt like when it ‘sent shivers’ down someone’s spine, was it just a saying or could you really  feel it.. no one really seemed to know.

I wanted to find out….

I’d done my research and observed all kinds of people and how people reacted to certain kinds of situations. I wanted someone who was a little braver than the normal everyday person, you know, like a fireman, a nurse, an officer of the law..someone with a position of power. The perfect candidate was chosen and he helped me make my mind up without any hesitation. He was big, confident with a hint of cockiness about him and above all, he seemed fearless. He was the head of door staff at a night club called Alley Cats that was situated in the rough area of town.
I went to the workshop that I had hired out, under a false name of course, and prepared everything that I’d need..I was soon going to have the answer to what fear felt like.

I waited outside the club in a cheap van that I had bought from someone on the understanding that I was buying it for scrap metal. I managed to get the engine running and it was perfect for what I had in mind.
He had finished his shift at the club and he made his way home. I took out the baseball bat that I had put in the van earlier and followed him until we reached the entrance to the park and when the coast was clear i knocked him unconscious and dragged him into some bushes..Jesus he was heavy.
I made my way back to the van and drove round to where I had left him, it took me while to get him into the back but I eventually manged to do so. I taped his hands, legs and mouth up.. there was no way he was getting away.

Once I arrived at the workshop, getting him out of the van was made easier due to the fact that I had an old hospital trolley that lowered down to the same height as the back of the van, so I just rolled him out and straight onto the trolley. With his hands, head and legs tightly strapped to the trolley and his mouth taped shut, I waved some smelling salts under his nose to bring him round. Once he was conscious, and looking quite confused as what was going on, I stripped down to waist.
He tried to wriggle free but he wasn’t going anywhere and I could hear his stifled screams.. or least I like to think he was screaming.
I walked up to him and placed my index finger on his taped up lips.. “sshhhh..save your breath for later.” He looked at me like some wild, crazed animal, some people.. honestly!

I cut off his T-shirt and drew a vertical line on his stomach with a Sharpie then took the craft knife from my pocket, I had kept with me all day, and made a deep incision along the line I had drawn on his stomach.. I could see the fear in his eyes but I didn’t want to see the fear of another person..I wanted to feel it!
I stood back and looked at the incision I had just made and knew that I would soon have the answer to my question. I placed both my hands on his stomach and slowly, with slight anticipation, began to push my hands into his gut. It felt wonderful, the warm, slightly viscous feeling of his blood on my hands made me feel.. different, I could feel his intestines and it took longer than I had imagined to work my way through them, then my hands felt something inside him.. it could’ve been his lungs or his liver, I wasn’t quite sure..maybe I should have done a bit more medical research to find out which parts ‘lived’ where, but that didn’t really matter for now.
I looked up at him as he was laid there and to my surprise and delight he was still awake and boy..did he look scared.
“Can you feel fear yet, because I can’t, not yet” I said to him..he didn’t speak.
I moved my hands around inside him and, at last, I came to what I was looking for. I wanted this moment to stay with me forever so at first I just gently touched it and then placed both hands on it and then I squeezed his spine and looked at him and sheer terror began to set in his eyes and I felt it..I felt his fear, the answer to the question I had longed for had now been answered.
I could actually feel the fear of another person and it made me feel euphoric, powerful, almost God like, knowing that the shiver of fear that now ran up and down his spine was in my hands, I tightened my grip and looked into his eyes and it was beautiful, the fear and pain in his eyes was all my doing. 
I loosend my grip and slowly started to remove my blooded hands from the inside of his body, it felt so comforting..that warm feeling I had as a child, that, whenever my hands were cold, I would fill the sink with warm water and soak my hands to warm them up.
I hesitated for while and decided that I may as well see the things that I’m feeling inside him, i just grabbed whatever my hands were touching and just ripped it out of him.. it gave me more joy than I had ever imagined. Some of his blood hit me on my shirtless body that heightened the feeling even more. I plunged  my hands into his body and grabbed the first thing I could feel and smeared my body with his blood..I felt immortal, I had his fear within me and it felt like a drug..I felt more alive than I had ever felt.
I collapsed with the feeling of every emotion surging through my veins, it was unbelievable.

The next thing I remember is waking up here in this room and every now and again people keep looking in through the little window in the door and all they keep saying is…
 “it’s ok Mr Carlyle..your medication is due soon.”

Copyright (C) Howard Carlyle 2017. All rights reserved.

I am.

​I am your conscience, your guilt, your doubt, your weakness, your stubbornness, your confidence..I am the one who walks with you when your shadow is cast, I am there with you when you sleep, when you wake, when your decisions are made and your dispersions are cast..I am everything you never want and all that you need.
Copyright  (c) Howard Carlyle 2016. All rights reserved.

Free of Myself.

I don’t belong here..I need to let go of all that has held me back, to be where I’d feel more at comfort and where people should be free of me and my demons. 
I hide behind a happy contented facade while inside I’m screaming to set myself free. This life now holds no meaning, no reward and has none of the love, that I had in abundance, that once surrounded me from one day to the next. 
Like the flickering flame of a candle, the attention from each person that I admired and respected, died out. I now feel all alone and in the dark, not knowing which way to turn.

I would feel more at peace in a place where no one noticed me, where the way i felt mattered not and the darkness that I felt shrouded me would help me fade into obscurity and become nothing more than a shadow in the dark.
Copyright  (C) Howard Carlyle 2016. All rights reserved.

Your Twisted Need

You’re nothing but

Lowlife scum

You can’t hide from

You’ve done

 

I’ll find you first

That is my vow

You will regret

What you do now

 

A child alone, lost

and scared

Its parents frantic..

You never cared

 

Your basement dark

Hidden from view

Your intentions only

known by you

 

You kept them in a

makeshift cage

Seen as an object

Of hurt and rage

 

Like fuel on a fire

On their fear you feed

They fulfil your want

Your twisted need

 

Their cries ignored

Thrilled by their screams

Their lives now shattered

No more sweet dreams

 

You had your fun

That sadistic thrill

Their misery ended

That climactic kill

 

A life snuffed out

Free of remorse

No concern for

Suffering caused

 

You wash your hands

You feel no guilt

Free of conscience

For the blood you spilt

 

I’ll find you first

That is my vow

You will regret

What you do now.

 

Copyright (C) Howard Carlyle 2016. All rights reserved.

 

The Legend of Elijah Jones.

“It is with deep regret”
the town mayor said

“That Elijah Jones has 

been found dead”
“This once great man 

who protected us all

Was taken by a creature 

8 feet tall”
Elijah got a call late

one night 

By mrs smith who’d 

had a fright
She saw the creature

Upon the moor and 

It followed her home

To her front door
So filled with fear she

grabbed her gun

She fired off a shot and 

Watched the beast run
Off It went.. leaving behind 

a stench so foul

Breaking the nighttime 

silence with a hellish howl
It had hound like fur and

Prominent ears

It had terrorised the townsfolk 

For many years
She feared not because 

she had a plan

She knew Elijah Jones 

Was just the man
He would slay the creature

sending it to its grave

A man without fear he was

Strong and Brave
Elijah came on his trusty

Steed

And told Mrs Smith what

He would need
“I need lots of wood for

A funeral pyre

This thing’s going back to

Hell in a raging fire!”
“I’ll need silver bullets and

the sharpest blade

The creature will die.. make 

No mistake!”
Old Jonsey left at the

Rising of the moon

Knowing the beast would

Die very soon
He tracked it down to a

disused farm

Where it slept and it ate

In big old barn
A fight ensued it was a

Man against beast

Upon that night all hell

Was unleashed 

 

There were splashes of

Blood all over the place

But fear never once showed

On Elijahs face
He stabbed the beast when

he pulled out his knife

But it struck out at Elijah

Ending his life
Blood from both now filled 

the Floor 

The beast and jones were

Now no more
He died a hero for the 

creature he’d Slain 

The townsfolk cheered

They were safe once again
But Legend has it..no one

Knows for Sure

That several creatures lived

On that moor
They hide in the dark with

Their stench so foul

When full moon rises just

Listen out for a hellish HOWL!
Copyright (C) Howard Carlyle 2016. All rights reserved.

Your Place Now Secured.

I welcome the dead
into my soul and
i welcome the soulless
into my head

I welcome angels with
Broken halos that have
Now slipped to become
their noose

Their once angelic wings
So white
No longer serve a purpose
Or have any use

I welcome sinners who
can sin no more
Their conscience void
Of any feeling

I welcome those that no
longer believe in their faith
I hold out my hand of never
healing

I welcome those who served
to fulfill their need
Who worked to feed their
want and greed

I welcome all who had
no regard for others
We are now your family
welcome Home…My sisters
and brothers

Your place down here has
Always been waiting
No feeling of love just of
loathing and hating

No thought for those you
had all around you
Your fate has been sealed
there’s no more you can do

You’re welcomed here where
forever you’ll shall dwell
You’ve worked hard to secure
your Place…in Hell.

Copyright (C) Howard Carlyle 2016. All rights reserved

 

 

A Choir of Fallen Angels.

A choir of fallen angels sing a requiem to equal that of God’s own choir of angels.
A requiem of darkness and death to dispel all happiness, all love, all sympathy and all that is good.
It is a requiem rejoicing in misery, pain, famine, pestilence, war and the thing that this place thrives on, the fallen angels rejoice in death and eternal suffering.

The devil himself revels in such a joyous display which is shown by his own choir.

No comfort or escape can be found in this place..each turn a dead end, each flickering light of hope extinguished by a suffocating darkness that engulfs everything.
The screams of a thousand tortured souls is less deafening than the silence that sometimes falls upon this place…the screams at times make this a better place to endure, a place where my blackened soul has been cast and shall remain even beyond the realms of what is considered the end of time.

Copyright  (C) Howard Carlyle 2016. All rights reserved