broken and worthless
suffering alone
a rancid soul
a heart of stone

not blood but hate
flows through each vein
baptised in fire
wrapped in pain

no care was given
no thought or care
no love expressed
no feelings there

unloved and left
to find my way
as an innocent boy
on my path I’d stray

I’d never know good
just all that’s bad
my own self worth
was all I had

I’d fought my battles
I’d stood my ground
shown only contempt
to those around

a beaten man
an empty shell
left in a world
i see as Hell

left broken and worthless
suffering alone
with a rancid soul and
a cold heart of stone

All Rights Reserved (C) Howard Carlyle. 2023

Let Down is a Slight Understatement.

I used to love writing stories, for whatever reason, whether it be for anthologies, cathartic reasons, or for self-publishing. My main aim was to get a ‘publishing contract’ just to prove to myself that I could do it.
I eventually got a publishing contract, goal personally met, only to feel completely and utterly let down.
I promoted the book link, and the publishers site where my book was ‘listed’ under ‘new authors and books released’ (not necessarily worded like that, but you get my drift) but the site was ‘set up’ by one of their signed authors… funnily enough, ‘their’ books were listed on there.
My book was never promoted, and neither were a few other authors with new releases.
Pissed off, dejected, let down… and whatever else could be added, was/is a slight understatement.

My advice, for what it’s worth, considering how many brilliantly talented writers I have as FB friends… a contract is only worth the paper it’s written on, which is nothing, if they do jack shit once they have your story.

The Demon Inside and I.

Maybe we were
Meant To be
This demon
Inside and I

The only one
Who listens
And never
Questions why

It never seeks
a reason
Of thoughts
Which seem absurd

My demon and I
We chat for hours
Each word uttered
never heard

It guides me through
The bad times
And misleads me
Through the good

I’m at its mercy
I always have
I would escape it
If I could

This thing has always
Been with me
I kept it hidden
So no one knew

It fuelled the fire
And urged me on
For every bad thing
that I do

I’ve learned to live
with this part of me
We’ll co-exist till
The day I die

Maybe we were
Meant To be
This demon
Inside and I

(C) Howard Carlyle. 2022.


give me some
pills and a nice
bottle of gin

swallow both down
without guilt
or sin

lay right back
and enjoy
the trip

don’t need no
lecture or a
life building tip

don’t need words
no comforting

I know how I
my feelings are real

my last dying
escapes it’s cage

no more anger
no more

my purpose
in life obsolete

revel in my misery
as I succumb
to defeat.

The Beginning

I tried forcing myself to do it, but the more I thought about it, the more my reasoning waned.
Again, I sat and cleared my head of every thought, about everyone and every thing.
I came to the point of no return… and the deed was done.

Everything went black, and that’s when true happiness was found. Just myself, the abyss and a mass void of nothingness. The silence rang out like an orchestra reaching its deafening crescendo.

The lifeless, empty surroundings wrapped its arms around me and welcomed me like one of its own…
I’d found true happiness where nothing else could.

(C) Howard Carlyle 2021.