Pressure

I can’t escape the
pressure
I can’t hide away
the stress

I can’t put things right
or make them good
all I do is make a
mess

I know that I’ve been
cursed
this burden forever
mine

it weighs me down
and eats away
it preys upon my
mind

I try to clear my
head
take time to sit
and think

but every turn
is hindered
pushing me to
the brink

every time that I get
up
from each blow that
knocks me down

I know it should make
me stronger
but it seems that
I am bound

one day i’ll break the
shackles
from all the troubles
and distress

but I can’t release
the pressure
and i can’t escape
the stress

(C)Howard Carlyle. 2023

Left.

broken and worthless
suffering alone
a rancid soul
a heart of stone

not blood but hate
flows through each vein
baptised in fire
wrapped in pain

no care was given
no thought or care
no love expressed
no feelings there

unloved and left
to find my way
as an innocent boy
on my path I’d stray

I’d never know good
just all that’s bad
my own self worth
was all I had

I’d fought my battles
I’d stood my ground
shown only contempt
to those around

a beaten man
an empty shell
left in a world
i see as Hell

left broken and worthless
suffering alone
with a rancid soul and
a cold heart of stone

All Rights Reserved (C) Howard Carlyle. 2023

Let Down is a Slight Understatement.

I used to love writing stories, for whatever reason, whether it be for anthologies, cathartic reasons, or for self-publishing. My main aim was to get a ‘publishing contract’ just to prove to myself that I could do it.
I eventually got a publishing contract, goal personally met, only to feel completely and utterly let down.
I promoted the book link, and the publishers site where my book was ‘listed’ under ‘new authors and books released’ (not necessarily worded like that, but you get my drift) but the site was ‘set up’ by one of their signed authors… funnily enough, ‘their’ books were listed on there.
My book was never promoted, and neither were a few other authors with new releases.
Pissed off, dejected, let down… and whatever else could be added, was/is a slight understatement.

My advice, for what it’s worth, considering how many brilliantly talented writers I have as FB friends… a contract is only worth the paper it’s written on, which is nothing, if they do jack shit once they have your story.

The Demon Inside and I.

Maybe we were
Meant To be
This demon
Inside and I

The only one
Who listens
And never
Questions why

It never seeks
a reason
Of thoughts
Which seem absurd

My demon and I
We chat for hours
Each word uttered
never heard

It guides me through
The bad times
And misleads me
Through the good

I’m at its mercy
I always have
I would escape it
If I could

This thing has always
Been with me
I kept it hidden
So no one knew

It fuelled the fire
And urged me on
For every bad thing
that I do

I’ve learned to live
with this part of me
We’ll co-exist till
The day I die

Maybe we were
Meant To be
This demon
Inside and I

(C) Howard Carlyle. 2022.

Obsolete

give me some
pills and a nice
bottle of gin

swallow both down
without guilt
or sin

lay right back
and enjoy
the trip

don’t need no
lecture or a
life building tip

don’t need words
no comforting
spiel

I know how I
feel
my feelings are real

my last dying
breath
escapes it’s cage

no more anger
no more
rage

my purpose
now
in life obsolete

revel in my misery
as I succumb
to defeat.

The Meyerstown Secret

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http://Mybook.to/Meyerstown

The Beginning

I tried forcing myself to do it, but the more I thought about it, the more my reasoning waned.
Again, I sat and cleared my head of every thought, about everyone and every thing.
I came to the point of no return… and the deed was done.

Everything went black, and that’s when true happiness was found. Just myself, the abyss and a mass void of nothingness. The silence rang out like an orchestra reaching its deafening crescendo.

The lifeless, empty surroundings wrapped its arms around me and welcomed me like one of its own…
I’d found true happiness where nothing else could.

(C) Howard Carlyle 2021.

I Look From Below

not too long left
of this mortal coil
before hearing the lid
being hit by the soil

decaying in a box
flesh rotting away
I’ve waited too long
to live out this day

I know where I’m going
It’s easy to tell
no place earned in heaven
my place booked in hell

I did all I could and
got all I would ask
my true self was shown
by a slip of my mask

I was a man of my word
which meant nothing at all
I’d lie and I’d cheat
and succeed to appall

I promised you things and
you believed what I’d say
the path I was taking
would lead you astray

I could make you all do
whatever I please
spun sentences like a web
and I did it all with ease

I’d destroy your perception
with words that I’d use
turn love into hate and
trust into abuse

all that I’d said meant
nothing you saw
it was words just spewed
to draw you in more

I had you in my hold
you believed all I said
I look up from below
while I lay cold and dead

so now it begins and
how I’d expect
I laugh as you mourn
and pay your respect

Howard Carlyle. (C) 2021.

I Look From Below

not too long left
on this mortal coil
before hearing the lid
being hit by the soil

decaying in a box
flesh rotting away
I’ve waited too long
to live out this day

I know where I’m going
It’s easy to tell
no place earned in heaven
my place booked in hell

I did all I could and
got all I would ask
my true self was shown
by a slip of my mask

I was a man of my word
which meant nothing at all
I’d lie and I’d cheat
and succeed to appall

I promised you things
you believed what I’d say
the path I was taking
would lead you astray

I could make you all do
whatever I please
spun sentences like a web
and I did it with ease

I’d destroy your perception
with words that I’d use
turn love into hate and
trust to abuse

all that I’d said meant
nothing you saw
it was words just spewed
to draw you in more

I had you in my hold
you believed all I said
I look up from below
while I lay cold and dead

so now it begins and
how I’d expect
I laugh as you mourn
and you pay your respect

Howard Carlyle. (C) 2021.

The Madness Ends.

and tonight
the madness ends
no more voices
In my head

telling me what
to do
twisting everything
I’ve said

I want to hide away
from the world
seeking only solace
in a quiet place

blank out all and
everything
sick of the demons
I have to face

I’m used to the
mask I wear
hiding thoughts
that lurk within

too scared to
know myself
not knowing where
I’d begin

sometimes I take
comfort
with the whispers
that i hear

comforting me with
delusion
leading me to a personal hell
without fear

and tonight
the madness ends
no more voices
in my head

I’ll decide my
actions
ending everything
they’ve said

(C) Howard Carlyle. 2021